Having a mother who loved me so much was indeed a special time, in my younger years. I felt special, felt as if I was the one. As a young male of five years I never questioned why mummy loved me so much, I just accepted that was how it was, all boys were the same, weren't they? I remember feeling something, I couldn't put my finger on it then, I just didn't have the tools, I was far too young to understand the feelings that were constantly bombarding my young brain. As I grew the feelings became stronger, something was growing inside and I was never prepared for its release, never prepared to drag the one I love in with me, inside the deepest darkest hole my mind could find. My story, my past laid down before you the reader, an insight into a males mind, from a very personnel view point. I hold nothing back I speak my mind in a way that brings you on a journey, a journey of how a sexuallly abused males mind works and the devastating effects this mothers false love brings. Sexual abuse is nothing new, every year young people undertake the most vile acts of personal sexual abuse and are left with the baggage for life while the perpetrator goes on to defile yet another young life. My story is not unique, I am not unique, however, I am an individual who has undergone an experience that will never leave me, but I now bvelieve that I have finally found a place for my past, an acceptance that has enabled me to move on, my final transistion has passed and it has only taken me forty years to get here. My hope is that I can help others see and experience with me and realise that we are not to blame, shed your guilt for it was not your fault. I live in England with my wife of 22 years, my saving grace, my rock through the most trying years of our lives. I have five children and they are all good kids, supporting me even now, knowing what I have gone through has made us even closer, made us stronger. Many a pyschologist have called me resiliant, a fighter, for a very long time I didn't believe them but now, I know who I am, where I've been and where I want to go. I wish you well on your own journey and hope that by reading my story I give you strength to carry on towards your own goals.