Self-help book? No way. The title is certainly a parodied jab at a well-known series of soul-searching books to get you through your day. I can promise you this: There is nothing poetically pious about the stuff in these pages. You will laugh somewhere along the way. Money back guarantee. I will also make you cringe. At times, you will think I am a complete idiot. At others you may stop and think that maybe—just maybe—I do have a point or two that makes sense. After reading this short book, however, I’m sure you will never look at marriage, having children and divorce in the same light again. This book is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t recommend that you accept even one twisted idea that I present here on marital relationships or kids. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and be honest with yourself about how you really feel about being hitched with children. Who knows? Maybe reading this will help you to turn your marriage around or finally get out of a situation that is unfixable and killing you. While reading, always remember: Sex doesn’t kill—it is the lack thereof that does.  Have fun!

Love & Marriage

The Situation The battle between the sexes is and always will be a fact of life. I know that I am not telling you anything you don’t already know with that insightful statement. It doesn’t take a plastic surgeon to realize that married men and women have struggled to get along with each other down through the ages. Even under ideal conditions, the friction that married life can bring into what was once an idyllic romantic relationship is enough to divide any lip-locked couple. No matter how powerful the lust and desire there might be between two hot lovers, marriage is the best way to ruin any good relationship. Why, heck, just look at some of the polarized twosomes of all time: Mars and Venus, Bananas and Apples, Sodom and Gomorrah, Sonny and Cher, You and Your Wife. The diametrically opposed comparisons through the ages could go on forever. Part of the problem is that most of us out there in Marriedville deny publicly that there is anything significant that bothers us about our spouses. It is often too painful and the consequences too great to admit, that after being married with children for several years, the vast majority of men feel like they are serving a “30 years to life” prison sentence. That’s with no chance for parole for good behavior either. If you could break out at midnight, jump over that wall and run for your freedom, you would. Feel a little stuck with no way out? Why not lighten up for a little while now and poke some fun at ourselves in this, at best, a frustrating, mind-boggling situation. Throw out political correctness and we can have a really good time. For once, maybe look at things on the home front the way they really are, rather than lying to ourselves and everybody else for that matter. What lies ahead, as you read on, isn’t pretty, but it’s true. I have played golf with men up and down the east coast of North America for over twenty-five years. In that time, I have conducted my own completely unscientific study of married life in America. My general observation is this: Take any married male stranger you get paired up with. On the front nine, they will all tell you, if asked, what a great wife and kids they have. Many even show you pictures. After a little male bonding and a maybe a little prodding, the truth begins to surface. By the 12^th hole on the back nine, they will break down and admit that they hate being married and if wasn’t for the kids (who they may also hate) they would be heading for the Mexican border to change their identity. In more severe cases, fantasies of ordering marital-ending equipment from the Smith & Wesson catalogue have emerged. So I say, let’s open the windows and let in a little fresh air. It might help take the edge off married life and prevent you from pulling that trigger. Sometimes you may feel like you are in this all by yourself. Trust me, you are not alone. If you can relate to one passage in this book and it makes you laugh, I have accomplished my mission. If nothing here strikes you funny, and you cannot relate to anything said here, it might be time to check yourself into a hospital. With that in mind, let’s get started with a little comedy. Comics always have and will continue to target marital relationships as a source for good joke material. Why? Because married life provides the opportunity for endless punch lines that can carry any comic from the dingy dives of stand-up clubs to the glittering fame of HBO specials and beyond! Add a couple of lines about the kids to the mix and your audience may never stop laughing. The only source for jokes that gets more immediate laughs is quips about lesbians. The great twentieth and twenty-first century philosopher, Howard Stern explored why this is true. In the tradition of Aristotle, he used the familiar—but with a twist—empirical method of inquiry and dialectic method of the Greek sage to establish a proof about lesbian humor. His premise and eventual conclusion were simple: Someone is able to make a successful career, in a previously almost-dead medium like radio. That success is largely based on lesbian humor. Why question it? I suggest you try it yourself. Take any joke with the lead in “about the two...” Fill it in with “lesbians” and I guarantee you will have a whole new routine. Now you too can be the hit at any party, anytime, anywhere, and maybe if you’re real lucky, get a threesome going with two cute lesbians. 

My education?-Special qualifications on this topic? I have to be straight with you: I just basically shot from the hip here. I am just a regular guy with a regular job and, for the most part, have been leading a rather mundane existence. I am probably like you. All I did was listen to men and women complain about their respective spouses and bitch about the kids and this is what I concluded, We need to cut through the socially-accepted, “everything is OK” crap and talk about the things that really bother us in relationships. It is risky business, but sometimes you just have to say, “What the hay,” and make your move.