I - The Emergency Room
The doctors say I need to rest, having suffered a shock of some kind. They claim I should talk about what happened, let it out, and then I will be free of it. I am reluctant to do this. If I tell the story, they will surely put me away. In fact, that was what the doctors first discussed when I was found by the Police, wandering the streets mumbling, “Amoun, Amoun.”
In the emergency room, I overheard Dr. Lannis talking with Dr. Cohen. Cohen whispered to Lannis, “loss of memory brought on by trauma or drugs. We will have to wait for the lab results, but my instincts say shock brought on by trauma. Clearly, temporary loss of awareness due to a violent event.
“The next few hours and how he responds to our questions will determine if we can release him. Minimally, he will require medication and psychiatric follow-up for two months. Then, depending upon how he progresses, he can return to normal duties whatever those might be. Have the nurses contacted his wife? She should have been here by now. Perhaps she can help us figure out what happened?”
Little did the doctors realize my wife could not help. Lea had no idea what happened; it was a mystery to her as well. She remembered me saying that I needed to go to the library and work on a research paper for school. That was Saturday. Today is Friday. She has not heard from me in six days.
Over that time, Lea was frantic and feared the worst. The secretary at work called on Monday, wondering if I was sick, and indicated it was so unlike me not to call.
By Sunday evening, after dozens of phone calls and not finding me, Lea put the Police to work by filing a missing person’s report. At first, the Police told Lea not to worry, that I was probably out with a girlfriend and would be home in a couple of days. The Police questioned Lea about our marriage and my daily habits, including drug and alcohol history. These things I learned over the past few days. Now that I am back home, Lea is more relaxed though I can still hear her crying sometimes. Daily she asks me what happened and encourages me to talk about it, just like the doctors said.
It has been two weeks since the Police brought me to the emergency room. Slowly, the events are coming back and I am starting to make sense out of it all. The doctors were right in assuming I have suffered a shock and I am trying to work out the sequence of events by writing down what happened. If I talk about it with anyone, I am afraid they will lock me away.
The medicine the doctors gave me for my nerves does not work; it just makes me drowsy and I fall asleep. I do not want to sleep. I want to remember and stay awake. Most of my life I have been walking in a daze and it has taken a shock for me to finally realize it.
As the days pass, I realize I have been changed and can never go back to the way I was. It is time for something else to happen; it is time for another part of me to come forward. Oh, I will work, be a loving husband and be part of the world, but I will always look at things a little differently. Now, I have a broader perspective; a spiritual way of looking at things. The dirt covering my glasses has been removed.
Someday, I will share what happened with Lea and talk to her about it. Now, it is still too much of a jumble. I can not tell the doctors, for as scientists they will never understand. When I finish writing and sorting out the pieces, it will be time to share what happened and move on. A whole new life awaits Lea and I.
This is how I came to awake from this slumber called life and understand more fully my place in the universe.