Dear Demented Diary Volume I
Dear Demented Diary Volume I
Life Cycles
Perfect Bound Softcover
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Dear Demented Diary Volume I Life Cycles is a coming of age story with a twist. Demented from an incurable brain tumor I take you on my ride and try to make you realize that no matter what hand you are dealt with in life you still need to make each and every day count. Serving as a guide, I walk you through the beauty of seeing a baby born and the tragedy of losing my mother.  I hope to reveal to you many secrets of life as the layers of my psyche are torn apart and put back together again.

January 28, 1998

I can’t sleep.  It’s as if I am trying to spend every second I can with her, even if she isn’t conscious.  She is lying next to me, her breathing labored.  Her chest rises and falls as if she has just ran a marathon, only she is asleep.  It’s funny how we treat dying people as we do babies.  Don’t wake them up unless they are already waking up. 

I really think that people that go quietly in the night are luckiest.  There has to be a point to all this suffering.  She is one of my gods, someone I can touch, feel, love physically and mentally.  Someone that is tangible, accessible. 

Gayle told me what she misses the most about Mike is that she thinks of something she wants to tell him and she will be thinking, “I need to remember to...” and then she remembers he’s dead, and that is what hurts the most. 

What I am losing is not only one of my gods, but unconditional love and acceptance.  I am by no means perfect, but mom accepts me for most of my quirks.  Granny has been more of a mother to me, doing the traditional things, but mom was so unusual.  I could always talk to her and I can think of only one time I ever threatened her with violence, back when I was 16. 

When Anne was on chemo and mad at the world, she got angry at mom for something and went to smack her and was there and I hit her hand down and when I came down, I was close enough in blocking her that my hand got tangled in her Hickman (a port inserted into the heart) and it yanked out a little.  To hear Anne tell the story is totally different.  She claims she hit me in my head, and I think after that, she did, because I was protecting mom. 

I have been in only one chick fight.  Some bitch in high school and I were once friends.  She was a bitch and we quit talking.  So someone wrote, “I hate ugly bitch” on the bathroom wall.  She erroneously assumed I was the one that wrote it and the shit she wrote about me was just horrible.  Something along the line of, “putting a bullet through my bleached blonde head.”

I stewed.  I didn’t confront her because we all know confrontation is the biggest fear of all.  Jezebel and I went to this record store and guess who was in there?  Bitch and her boyfriend.  Jezebel told me before I noticed and so I waited outside for her.  Jezebel came out and was like “They are paying and coming out.”

Adrenaline is surging through my brain, she exits the store and I call after her, “Try and kill me now, BITCH.”

“Oh, Cathy Clay, FUCK YOU!”

Then she committed a grievous mistake and turned her back on me.  She stepped down off the sidewalk, away from the car, not towards it, panicking I assume, and I jumped down off the sidewalk and grabbed the back of her head and just started pounding at her face.  There are several advantages to growing up in a big family, and being farted on by your brother isn’t one of them, learning how to fight is. 

She was hitting me with her purse and pulling hair and I am just pounding away.  She falls back on to the pavement and I go with her since she has my hair.  I fell on top of her and heard “Oh GOD!” I was on top of her, and I clocked her right in the nose, and for some reason, I got scared she was going to hit ME, or the cops were around the corner, so I jumped up off of her and Jezebel and I took off.  She laughed the whole way to my house, and I was just stoned from the rush. 

Her boyfriend told me the next day at the lunch table what a bitch I was for making him have to listen to “I’m gonna kill her” all the way back to her place.  He pointed out that she was the one with the bloody nose, hence she was the one that got her ass kicked.  I am sure she wasn’t happy about this revelation.  I don’t think they stayed together and she ended up getting pregnant by a 14 year old. 

Catherine E Clay is a modern day Southern Belle faced with solving contemporary problems not everyone is given the privilege of understanding. She has traveled through Europe spending most of her time in Russia honing her language skills. She took intimate experiences of her life and began to write about the pain and suffering she saw going on to her personally and figured there were many people that could relate to the issues she has been facing. She has taught many women “The Gentle Art of Female Ejaculation” as well as photographing and being a brain tumor activist.

This book is hard to read, not only because the author is brain damaged but the way she expresses and agonizes over the death of her mother is disturbing, heartwarming and funny if you have a twisted, sick sense of humor. This was her first book but her second one is hilarious. I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback because I already read the electronic version and she promises more in the written one. If you ever had a love/hate relationship with your parents then you'll love this book. If you want a pick me up after this downer you'll love the second.
Mary Jane 

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