Jordan Schwartz is a quiet Jewish boy growing up in a middle class family in suburban New Jersey. His world is centered around sports and education until high school hits and learning takes a back seat to girls and poker. After a few accidents, learning learns that it better buckle up in that back seat, before Jordan takes it on a four-hour ride up to Syracuse University. There, Jordan continues to break the speed limit completing college in three years in an effort to start doing what he loves - writing and talking about sports. Jordan experiences some near misses and absolute whiffs before deciding to take a detour back to central New York. Eight dreadful months in Ithaca remind Jordan that there’s no place like home, and so he returns to Middlesex County to start over with nothing accomplished.
I am Jordan Schwartz. When I watch rodeos I root for the bulls, I get chills every time I see Lou Gehrig’s farewell speech, I find humor in the retarded, there’s nothing better than golf, my dream is to one day watch a movie alone in a theater, I think monkeys are arrogant, the most beautiful thing in the world is a sold out Yankee Stadium on a summer day, I love shrimp, college basketball and dogs make me smile, I’m not a republican, but I have many conservative views, Don Mattingly makes me cry, I am an aggressive driver, I have a gambling problem. I eat a lot of pasta with tomato sauce, but I won't touch ketchup. If I win the lottery, the first thing I'll buy is top-rate golf equipment. I gave up a beautiful girl for a horrible job. I am able to arrange my legs in frighteningly flexible ways. I get sleepy when I'm drunk. My favorite word is "myriad," but "pompous" is pretty solid. I will always stick my hand in the wrong pocket when I go for my keys. I'm not a racist, but I play one in real life. My goal is to eliminate closers from the game of baseball. I get into a lot of car accidents. I eat Fun Dip like no one else. Law and Order is a surprisingly good show. Stuart Scott, the Beastie Boys, and Chevy Chase are extremely overrated. So is U2. I am a professional broadcaster, but I hate talking, especially to people. I love to semi-bluff. I am extremely lazy, but I'm optimistic. Brackets make me giddy. I once passed out in an IHOP vestibule. Grapes are really good. I am the best Bubble Bobble player of all time. Daylight savings time is fantastic. I believe that Adam Rothman is better at poker than anyone is at anything. Making both balls and getting them back in beer pong is one of the 5 greatest things ever. I drink about a liter of Coke a day. I'm not as smart as I used to be. My favorite species is dog. My least favorite is human. Monkeys are close. I broke a light in the gym locker room in 9th grade with a quarter. No one found out. I am strangely attracted to pretty much all Asian girls. I believe in G-d, love, Drano, Pepto Bismol, Yin and Yang, and Tylenol. I don't believe in mechanics or weathermen. I don't like ramen as much as I used to. I've grinded with a girl named Shorty in an Albany club. I have big calf muscles. I'm scared of blood. I make lots of lists. I'm an idiot.